It never rains, it pours. The Inner Wealth Seminar did not get 1 booking. Not one. It is unusual for the things I do, and I take it as a reflection of this last month — April, which left me bruised. I believe very strongly that our outer world mirrors our inner world. After the initial disappointment, it became a great opportunity to look at the learnings, and also the inner workings of my mind and have a check-up ;-) Here is what I found.
The Importance of Comedy in Failure
My friend David Pinto has written a book about failure. When I shared the news that I was going to cancel the seminar, we ended up seeing the funny side and toyed with the idea of putting together an event on failure. You would only be able to come if you have failed at something. The idea would be to have a good chuckle. We entertained ourselves with the question: if no one showed up — would that mean the event is a failure or a success? We ended up in stitches — tears of laughter. Wonderful.
But aside from the relief that humour brings, some of the lessons learned can be uncovered through it. The joker is part of a family of archetypes that tap into humour as one of the keys that can unlocking the missing piece of the puzzles, that are perhaps difficult at first to see.
I always think things happen for a reason and a quote that guides me immensely is “Wherein you stumble — therein lies your treasure.” The harder the lesson — the more potentially valuable the wisdom.
Why Write About Failure?
Firstly, I thnk that there is a fine line between writing as though one were in a self-confessional laboratory and sharing enough details so that the lessons learned are more accessible to people. I am aiming for the latter!
Secondly, I am taking the time to communicate my challenges, as I am not over them yet. As I write some of the darker aspects here, they have already gone as I write them But I do want to be explicit about what I have needed to learn.
Now if ever I need to be very strong and really live my practice so that I do not go into flight or fight syndrome and I do not miss my own lessons!
It is very unusual for me to be so open about my situation. What I notice is that it is my relationship to any challenge that is critical. So if I can get this right… this can be an excellent means of being a role model. It is my desire to be more real than ever in my approach as a human being that aims to help others to navigate stormy seas. Gone must be the glass cases or pedastals. They keep us apart and in delusion. And yet if I make mistakes, I can also be an excellent example of how not to do things :-) So long as I am transparent — the lesson remains clear to see.
The focus of this article is not on what I did actually gain during this time — which is viewable separately and in particular here
The Call
Sometimes a challenge emerges which proves to be more testing. How do we respond? And at what point do we actually respond? What helps us to face what we need to face and rise to it?
What can help us to access amazing powers within us?
I found an old article that I wrote called "Today is for quitters" which delves into this.
And when we do not respond that well, what can we learn about ourselves, that can get us back in the race? What have you learned about you?
The Details Of My Challenge
I could dress it up in many nice ways. But I want to avoid obfuscating the issues.
I took a risk that didn't pay.
I effectively took 6 months out of earning income in order to write, and banked on some joint projects emerging towards the end of it (which did not). While my time was not wasted and I am very glad for the experience, I have as a result accumulated more debt than planned and do not have a book to show for it nor the projects that had been on the horizon. Ouch.
After the inner wealth seminar bombed, I realised that I was out of synch with what is needed. This presented itself as both a work/personal and financial challenge and is still present as I write. Hence the desire to ‘harvest the wisdom’ as I go along.
Good Fight vs Bad Fight
I am by nature a super positive person with very strong intentions to change the world. So I thrive on finding ways to succeed despite the odds. Another favourtie quote has been “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”
Another favourite quote of mine has been “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!” But I do believe in picking the good fight. And this has felt like it is not the Good Fight.
But I do believe in picking the good fight. And this has felt like it is not the Good Fight. Having debt is something that I have often had; it has enabled me to me to do the work that I love to do in the world. But this last debt has stretched me beyond my own comfort zone, at a tricky time in the global context :-)
The seduction: why I ignored my own instincts
I got seduced by other people's story of what I could be doing and what I could be.
“You should write your bigger thesis that underlines your work…” While this advice has definite merits, and was backed by people I value greatly, the timing of it was not right for me. And no one was to know that but me. I weighed too heavily the advice of people that I admire.
Interestingly, my instinct said not to take this risk.
I felt strongly that I should not take time out to write, but that I should get on with my deeper purpose in a very active way. However, as I allowed my ego to be flattered I fancied myself as writing the ultimate social technology handbook and a thesis on change to go with it. Suddenely my instincts became an ‘inconvenient voice.’
The ‘inconvenient inner voice’ is crucial to execution of any plan. Or rather, we need to ensure that we integrate the wisdom in that voice. That we do not try rather to drown it. I remember being in a survival training session of a project I got involved with which would have involved going on missions around the world in order to protect species or endangered peoples. It was a hugely ambitious project called Earth 2000. As part of it we were being taught self-defense techniques, all of which I have forgotten completely but what I do remember is one line that the trainer said, with much gravitas. “Out of everything you learn here, the most important thing to remember is this: if you are ever in a situation and you have an instinct that you should not go ahead with something or someone, then do not ignore that voice.” It was the way he said it that rang true for me.
When we end up in a tricky spot, we can usually locate that point in time when the invconvenient voice first made itself heard. It is good to recognise, what led us to ignore it. Decision Analysis does not judge the outcome of a decision. It judges the quality of the decision made at the point of decision, which we can improve if we desire, as we reflect in hindsight and transform the way we operate henceforth.
Not properly managing risk
Once I set forth, I inadvertently let go of properly managing risk. The parallel in the current accusations toward the finance industry does not escape me!
When I realized that the risk was not paying off, I didnt respond quickly.
I was burying my head in the sand to some degree; it strikes me that this is incredibly strange human behavior on the surface which only makes sense when you delve into the mind and emotions of the person; into the programs they have running there.
Overestimation
I relied on being superhuman
I identify with someone who is emotionally very strong. Doesnt mean that I am not emotional or super emotional, but that I can process emotions very quickly and very deeply and move on from things that happen very quickly. My friend David once said “Sofia has the ability to go through hell and survive it and that is very useful thing to have in a team” this still make me laugh. But I am not super human! I needed more support form myself.
I took bigger risks (last summer) than I am actually comfortable with. That would be OK if I recognized the need to strengthen my practice so I could stay true to myself. I underestimated what was needed.
An old familiar fear rose its head once again. I did not like it when i saw it. I stopped my video diary blogs as I did not want to share this old fear.
Honest Truths
When it came to offering services to help people, I was out of touch with where people are at.
I ignored this and tried to present something that I wanted to believe would benefit people. I ignored friends of mine who were doubtful about how I was wording things and about my approach in general.
Despite returning from my writing experiments with renewed conviction in January, over the course of the month of April, I realized that something was not right. My situation was harder than I had anticipated.
I was not picking up on the context that people are in; I did not have the granular intelligence that is essential to putting a plan into action. I was now rushing everything and as a result I felt more and more out of synch with myself. As a result I ignored feedback from peers and some sublte but important signs as to where people were at.
The bookings reflected this process. At the end of April, after the madness of a conference I was facilitating at, and all the preparations for the workshops, I returned and felt as thought I had come back to earth with a hard bump.
Breakthrough!
After we decided to cancel the seminar, and after I got back from 3 days working at the E-Campainging forum, I crashed. I rested a lot and soon went deep into my personal practice. Something fundamental needed to shift. I cleared more and more of my blocks. Using The Work, questioning my assumptions and gradually sensing this huge open space in my mind. Something was lifted off my shoulders.
Authenticity, courage, empty vessel, sensitivity, timing; these themes darted about in my mind. I felt a huge rush of energy.
One afternoon towards the end of my days off, I went for a quick bath and as I relaxed the new vision suddenely came rushing to me. I felt new decisions forming in me as as i lay in the water. I ended up lying there for several hours, only to exit because someone else needed to use the bathroom ;-)
How I Choose to Respond Now
My new vision has led me to arrive at new decisions. This time they are quite subtle. The more practical ones are stil in formation, in a kind of incubation, so I will share them once they are clearer. But here is what has emerged:
- I choose to increase, not decrease the authentic expression — started (by this article)
- I choose to be transparent, despite the failures.. and despite successes :-)
- I choose above all to strengthen my personal practice — as much as is needed to stay in my relaxed, creative self. — started
- I choose to stay true to my aim not only in the overall goals but also in the way I carry them out. More so than ever. —started. feels like a homecoming
My deeper purpose has not changed. The new vision relates to how I put it into practice, and thereby lead by example. To be a guiding light in terms of how to BE and DO in this world.
- To keep this FUN. — not quite started!
- To pace myself: thinking big is still fine. But start small. — started! (Reduced the workshop offerings.)
- To be open to what truly serves people right now; letting no technique or approach be precious. — a work in progress
- To keep close to the essence of my gifts: building on what has always worked. — done (back to core elements in my coaching)
Practical notes:
- I will continue with the 100 Day Reality Challenge; go back to my personal video diary; sharing my progress
- I will also take explicit steps to connect again with the people that I serve; to be present to what is actually happeining now in the marketplace. —started (engaging with Path 101 and initiating the Career Coaching Hotline Call)
- I will put more hours per day in doing The Work, in meditating and in visualizing what I intend to create. — absolutely in progress!
I have a new project which is percolating and which I will share soon enough :-) There are some things that I think deserve the incubation that comes from beings silent until you actually take action. Because in this way your word is then true. It is a lesson I am still learning too. So I will keep quieter about my intentions till they have enough ground to then share out.
If you have got this far — you deserve a medal :-) Thank you for reading. Let me leave you with the heartening words from Paolo Coahlo's ‘Warrior of Light’ poem. May you find and connect strongly with the warrior of light in your own heart.
Warriors of light keep the spark in their eyes.
They are in the world, are part of other people’s lives, and began their journey without a rucksack and sandals. They are often cowards. They don’t always act right.
Warriors of light suffer over useless things, have some petty attitudes, and at times feel they are incapable of growing. They frequently believe they are unworthy of any blessing or miracle.
Warriors of light are not always sure what they are doing here. Often they stay up all night thinking that their lives have no meaning.
Every warrior of light has felt the fear of joining in battle. Every warrior of light has once lost faith in the future.
Every warrior of light has once trodden a path that was not his. Every warrior of light has once felt that he was not a warrior of light. Every warrior of light has once failed in his spiritual obligations.
That is what makes him a warrior of light; because he has been through all this and has not lost the hope of becoming better than he was.
That is why they are warriors of light. Because they make mistakes. Because they wonder. Because they look for a reason – and they will certainly find one.